I never thought wife of a sex addict was something that I would or could ever be called in my entire life. In fact, after the hell I went through with my mother's infidelities and abandoning my family, I never wanted to be married at all, but when I first met my husband, I just felt that with everything in me I would be safe with him. He would never do the things my mother had done, to me. So, I thought the title of wife, Army wife, mother, working mom, stay at home mom, friend, daughter, sister,volunteer, etc. could all be used to describe me. But wife of a sex addict. I'd have bet my life that would never happen. But here I am. I found out all I never wanted to know over a one month long drawn out period six months ago. With every little bit of information my husband would finally fess up to, I'd find mountains upon mountains of more discoveries. Even in his disclosures, my husband still felt the need to keep lying to me. I was so angry and I knew he needed some serious serious help. I told him I would go to his command if he didn't, to get the help he needed. What I didn't know is that the military does not look at sex addiction the same as alcohol or drug addiction. There are programs available to soldiers for substance abuse issues, but sexual issues when you are married are strictly infidelity issues and punishable under the UCMJ. SO now, my husbands 15 year military career was in jeopardy when he was just trying to ask for help. In a way I almost felt like he deserved to be punished, but on the other, I felt very protective of him, even after all the pain he had caused me. I still feel like I am on a roller coaster. One day I think I am much better and things are looking up and positive. And the next I hate my husband so much, and I just want to grab up my kids and move as far away from him as I can. I just don't see how I can ever forgive him for all he has done to me. My husband just didn't sleep with random women, or pay for sex, or spend a ton of money on porn, he had relationships with his lovers. He told them al the things I had so desperately been wanting to hear for so many years. I'm trying to remember the good times we had, but I don't even know if I can trust myself to realize what those were. After 14 years of marriage, you would think I would know if my husband was lying to me, or was acting suspiciously. But for 8 years, he was so deep in his addiction, and even though now I can look back and see the red flags, I would rationalize it all away, forever hoping things would stay perfect and I had nothing to worry about. I'm almost as angry at myself for not REALLY seeing what was going on, and shoving all those little doubts and fears so deep down so I could ignore them, as I am that my husband actually did things. But now I am struck with HOW to recover. My husband seems to think going to a handful of therapy appointments and 2 step meetings should suffice and his thinking is different now. There's work, and our kids activities and a myriad of other things to deal with besides recovery and I should just be okay with that. I've been in therapy and going to SANON meetings for months now, and I'm still intensely struggling with the first step, so I know a half hearted attempt at recovery just won't cut it. And it angers me that these women and his addiction could be all consuming, intense, passionate and more important to him than anything else, but his recovery and trying to work on and fix our marriage can be met with such nonchalance. I have to say, it makes my recovery so much harder. It feels like I still am not enough. I've felt so bad about myself for so long, and knowing that my husband can't even muster up half the energy and effort to fix all these problems as he did in having the fun of creating them. With each new day, I'm beginning to think more and more that my next title is going to be divorcee.
